The overall gist of this article is a reflection of my personal belief in life, which is that every good woman should leave a trail of men behind her. Call it modern-day feminism, call it hedonism, call it sinful—call it whatever the fuck you'd like; it's just my opinion. Now this is not, in fact, a call to arms, where I tell you to leave your partners in favour of endless one-night stands. I'm not telling you that love is a construct carefully fabricated by the market to commodify a series of electrical pulses and hormones in order to encourage and entrench the idea of a heteronormative, monogamous relationship being the social ideal. I am merely suggesting that you live a little.
Fuck till you drop, or when you feel like stopping.
Too frequently recently, I have found myself being upset, bothered by the fact that I am 'alone': single by choice, but predominantly because the timing is not right. As you may know, I plan to be abroad within the year, jetting off across the world for the foreseeable future. Yet, I often find that my upset does not come from within. It's not something that particularly bothers me day to day, as I actually enjoy my total freedom and autonomy. Instead, this feeling is usually brought on by outward expectation, the overwhelming idea that I should be in a relationship or actively seeking one, paired with a totally unsaid judgement that I should not be okay with being alone. It's as though society itself expects me to have a partner and I feel guilty for it. Of course, this often stems from my own anxiety, especially one that is specifically related to my perception of how people view me and that I'm letting people down—weird, right? To make it easier to understand, someone said something once, therefore everyone thinks about it and is probably judging you in one way or another and this includes my ancestors for thousands of generations in the past.
Take family, for instance, the obvious example in this scenario. They often ask well-meaning but incredibly intrusive questions: "seeing anyone special?" "are you ever going to settle down with someone nice?" and "do you want to get married and have children?". Generic questions but have the intent and purpose of being relatable, but of course there will be specifics, some of which I am definitely not about to put on the world wide web. Anyway, over a certain period of time, it does in fact start to grate a little bit, a lot, leading me to question my innermost personal values and how I am doing against my age bracket. It's hard to remember sometimes that I am only 21, as I've been told I am a "baby adult" (disgusting phraseology), and these prospects remain largely out of the question or plan for most people this age due to the modern expectations of work, life, and education. A grandma might pop the old phrase "I was married with two children when I was your age" into one of these sessions of personal bombardment. Well, Pearl (not my grandmother's name), it's not 1956 anymore, and it is terribly unlikely that I will snag myself a rich, handsome, faithful husband who will provide for me entirely in 2024, especially in this economy. Of course I could have one with perhaps one of these attributes but as experience has taught me it's impossible to hit the jackpot like all of our grandparents seemed to have done in their early teenage years.
Speaking of the economy briefly here, why does being single lead me to feel punished by the housing market? I have recently seen couples paying less than £450 each for a nicely sized one-bed flat, whereas in my recent searches for a new place to live, I'm looking at paying about £700 for a tiny bedroom on the dodgy side of town in a houseshare with total strangers. Odd, but I'm just whinging.
I digress. My original point here was that you should not relent, even though sometimes it feels as though the world and her grandmother just want you to settle down as soon as possible. I try not to. I aim to do whatever, fuck whoever, and continue to ignore the pressure to stop being a slag even though it would probably make my life a lot easier.
Sex Sells
This post is quite crude already and will continue to do so because a friend said to me, after reading the other two articles, that I need to get down to the nitty-gritty and that I sound like a middle-aged woman. What's wrong with that? Well, it's not authentic. Yes, I am in fact passionate about food, sightseeing, etc., but honestly, one of my greatest passions in life is sex. This is also why there has been a significant gap between post-B and post-C, because I want to get the balance of modern thinking, somewhat questioning the state and society with my wild adventures chucked in there just right. And of course there's knowing what's tasteful and when to stop oversharing is good especially when knowing that friends and family will likely read this.
Anyway,
For a time, this passion manifested itself in quantity over quality, but as with most things in life, you realise that it is not about how much you have but rather how it makes you feel. Of course, I remain notably promiscuous, but what's changed is that now I am experienced and what could be considered 'an informed slag'. It's why I started to write this post—to share and, of course I will acknowledge the limitations of any advice or whatever I say here—because I am, in fact, still young. Of course, age isn't everything, but experience certainly helps.
So why should a woman leave a trail of men behind her? To explore! As I just touched upon, I feel as though all too often people settle down long before they actually know themselves in both a physical and emotional sense. If there is one thing that being single for the best part of a year has taught me, it is that a) I am far more independent than I thought I was or ever would be, and b) I'm not naturally monogamous. The latter half of my "enlightenment" came about on a recent holiday, when I was able to appreciate a person for a short period of time both in the (hostel) bedroom and on a personalised guided tour of the local area, but I was not particularly sad to leave them. It was about the experience, or rather the moments themselves—the appreciation of the present and having the ability to simply let go. Of course, these feelings are filled with exoticism and lust in addition to the thrill of adventure, but for me, the comfort in said situation was knowing that it would be short-lived and had a definite end. I suppose that means I'm non-committal but as I said it's not the right time and knowing that there is no expectation of a relationship or anything remotely serious meaning that the chances of getting hurt are basically non-existent is franky incredibly comforting, to me at least. The thing is, a holiday romance sort of infers a mutually agreed term that it will only last x amount of days unless you find yourself back in the city, then hey, maybe there's a second season.
Life is about learning and experiencing, so why do we feel obliged to ignore this principle when it comes to people? Perhaps we are ashamed to be this way. I don't. To be fair, I'm not really left with any judgement about this lifestyle from my immediate peers; welcome to the 21st century, I suppose.
Wider Consideration
The only questions people seem to ask me in said group (of course Grandma Pearl is left out of the loop when it comes to my nights of debauchery) are along the lines of "are you not afraid of falling in love?" or, on the other end of the spectrum, "does potentially catching something not terrify you?". Of course, but it's manageable, especially if there are boundaries. However, I've recently found that there is simply not enough time to even consider feelings or toy with the idea for any considerable length of time, whether it be because of work, study, spending time with other people (in both senses), or simply 'getting on with it', I'm just always too occupied. Some could call it avoiding the matter, but I consider it to be efficient. There is something quite powerful and liberating about being totally selfish when it comes to relationships: for better phrasing, "having agency in your own life and belonging to or answering to no one." Everything is done at your pace, as every factor of life is purely dictated by yourself, which recently I've found to be soothing. I'm generally more relaxed and self-empowered because of my new-found total independence. Liberation from the servitude of previous relationships whilst knowing that feeling doesn't have to come again, not if you don't fall in love with the wrong person. As for catching something, just be smart about it, but it's also not the end of the world if you do. Just sort it out. Life, after all, promises three things: death, taxes, and disease. Whether it's the common cold or chlamydia, you'll probably catch at least one of them in your lifetime. When considering this and knowing their prevalence amongst sex communities whilst acknowledging the glorious thing that is modern medicine, I think to myself, "What is there to be scared of?". It's not a major thing anymore, really, and if you're careful, then there shouldn't really be an issue.
Speaking Personally
So my trail of men. As any good writer should, I write from a place of truth and experience—the heart, some may say. Of course, I have a (not so) carefully selected assortment of men across the country, in addition to a brief expansion into Europe, most of whom I stay in touch with. There are, of course, a few lost to the sands of time. Regrets are a few, but that is a given in this world. However, there is nothing wrong with making the occasional cockup, an error of judgement, from time to time. You learn from your mistakes after all; hence, I think it's fundamental to do so.
For instance, it is worth noting that these experiences have in fact massively boosted my confidence, not from compliments or feeling desired alone but from learning more about myself by appreciating and bringing to light intimate aspects of personality that had previously been overlooked. It's as though I've been able to play different characters for different people to see what suits them and me, amalgamating them to become my current form. Perhaps this analogy just mirrors the growth or changes in myself from all of these events and happenings. From outsider judgement, sleeping with strangers, the wrong people, and the dream boats to my own assault, each thing has caused change, which overall has been something incredibly positive. If it weren't for these events and the trails of men, I wouldn't be quite the same.
Related Posts
